


Chasing a Ghost

by hannamona (chloebeale)



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-15 05:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2218053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chloebeale/pseuds/hannamona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place after 5x12. Following Mona’s death, Hanna is led to a collection of videos that Mona made for her. As she watches them she discovers the truth about her friend’s feelings for her. (discontinued because of current show canon)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Her throat felt like it could've been made of sandpaper, dry and crackling as if it were burned in a fire. It had been seven days and Hanna Marin hadn't stopped crying.

Over the past week, she had slept maybe ten hours total. Every time she closed her eyes she was greeted by the grisly scene that was the Vanderwaal house. Even now she could practically smell the coppery scent that had hung in the air that day. There was blood, so much blood; indicating that Mona couldn't have survived whatever had taken place.

She often found herself wondering what Mona's last moments had been like. What had Mona's last thoughts been? Was she thinking of her mom? Of Mike, she thought bitterly. Alison, perhaps? Or maybe, Hanna hoped selfishly, of her.

From the looks of the house, Mona had gone down fighting her assailant with everything she had. Hanna wouldn't have expected anything less. As long as she'd known Mona, she'd known her as a fighter and that had never changed. But despite that she wished that her friend could've had a moment of tranquility. Her life had been such chaos for so long that Hanna figured she hadn't ever felt at peace.

She thought back to how she'd felt when Mona had been in Radley. After discovering that her best friend had been A, she'd suffered what Wren had called an ambiguous loss. But if that loss had stung, this one, which was far less ambiguous, was like a gaping wound in her heart.

The night Mona died, Caleb had insisted on staying over. Hanna hadn't had the energy to argue and she lay in his arms. She couldn't even feel his touch, not really. She was thankful he didn't try to force her to talk about it. She couldn't get the image of Mona's bloody handprint out of her mind. It made her feel physically ill just thinking about it. For once, Hanna had no desire to eat anything at all.

By the third night she'd pushed Caleb away. She needed space and time to think and though it was out of worry, he had been suffocating her. Mona had been so sure that Alison was the mastermind behind everything. And Hanna was beginning to believe that included Mona's murder as well.

On the fourth night her mother made her eat dinner and together they drank an entire bottle of wine. Hanna was sick of picking at the various casseroles and pastries that people seemed to keep leaving on her doorstep. And so her mother made lasagna, and for the first time in four days, she ate until she was full.

On the fifth night she finally turned her phone back on. She was instantly greeted with a barrage of text messages and missed calls. Her phone vibrated continuously for what felt like fifteen minutes. She ignored every message. There were several from Aria, Spencer, Emily, Caleb, even Lucas and Alison, each with increasing degrees of worry. But instead of answering any of them, she found herself scrolling down to find the last text Mona had ever sent her. Hanna's finger hovered over Mona's name. She considered deleting her number. Pushing the lock button, she shoved her cell phone into her side drawer, turning over on her bed. She could still hear her phone vibrating inside the drawer. But Hanna had gotten good at ignoring things.

On the sixth night she couldn't stand it any longer. Her body hurt from doing nothing by laying around. She was having headaches from lack of sleep and dehydration. She was horribly, desperately bored yet she didn't want to be around anyone else. Hanna took a handful of aspirin and a bottle of water and left the house for the first time. She ended up at the mall of all places. It was her and Mona's special place. It always had been. Tears flowed from her eyes as she walked into Barneys, flooded with memories of the person she would always consider her best friend.

It was on the seventh day that Hanna heard from Leona Vanderwaal. She clutched the house phone tightly in her hand, shaking as she heard the woman's voice. Ms. Vanderwaal was coming over for dinner tonight. She had a box of Mona's things for Hanna to have. Hanna was thankful that Mona's mother hadn't asked her to come back to that house. She didn't think she could ever step foot inside that house again. It seemed that Leona felt the same. Even as the police tape started to come down, she continued to stay at a hotel. Hanna had heard rumors that Leona was planning to sell the house and leave town. She wished that she could do the same. Every place, every room in her own house was haunted by Mona's memory. She couldn't turn a corner without thinking of her.

Hanna looked like she felt--absolute crap. She thought she could've been mistaken for roadkill. Reluctantly she climbed into the shower, wanting to at least look presentable for Mona's mother. It was the least she could do.

Once she started to feel human again, Hanna perched herself in front of her vanity. Although she didn't feel like it, she was going to do her hair and makeup. She could hear Mona's voice in the back of her mind, reminding her how important it was to look her best. Hanna found herself thankful her mother had thought to purchase some waterproof mascara. Gazing at herself in the mirror, she bit down hard on her bottom lip. She could see the bags under her eyes, puffy from all the crying. Her nose was red and sore and her lips chapped. Hanna let out a sigh and got to work on her mask.

As she heard the doorbell ring, she was slipping on her heels. The sounds of two grief stricken women chatting floated up the stairway. Her mother was grieving for her, she knew, as it must have been hard to see her daughter in so much pain. She almost felt guilty for putting her through that. Hanna descended the staircase, feeling two pairs of concerned eyes staring at her. As her own gaze fell to Ms. Vanderwaal, Hanna was momentarily struck by how similar she looked to Mona. She hadn't ever noticed it before but in that moment she couldn't unsee it. She blinked back tears as she reached the bottom step, immediately going to hug the woman.

"Oh, Hanna," She said, her voice soft and loving.

She held Hanna tightly as if she were the only piece of her daughter that she had left in the world.

"I'm going to check on dinner.." Hanna's mother interjected, trying to give her daughter a moment alone with the other woman.

It took a long time for either Hanna or Leona to want to let go. As she embraced Mona's mother, she felt for a moment as if she had her back again, and vice versa. They disentangled their arms from one another slowly. Hanna's blue eyes settled onto Leona's darker ones, drinking in her appearance once again. It truly was striking how much she resembled her daughter.

Although she felt tempted to ask the woman how she was doing, she knew that she was tired of answering the same question. Instead she offered Leona a squeeze of the hand.

"I'm really glad you're here."

"So am I," The darker haired woman assured her with a light smile. She stuck her hand in her purse and when she took it out again, there was a small box covered in Christmas wrapping paper. "I found this in her room. I guess it was supposed to be your Christmas present..." She trailed off sadly.

Both of the were silent for a moment as if acknowledging that Mona wouldn't be alive to enjoy Christmas. Leona cleared her throat.

"I've got a box of her things in my trunk. It's just some of the stuff that the police didn't take as evidence. I thought you might want a few things to remember her by."

Hanna felt the tears threatening to come forth again. She forced a smile, her hands shaking as the gift was given to her. She looked down at it, reading her own name in Mona's unmistakable handwriting. She jumped when she heard her mother's voice.

"Dinner is ready." Ashley Marin said to no one in particular. Then she turned to her daughter. "Hanna, would you set the table, please?"

Nodding, Hanna placed the box in her pocket and hurriedly went to do as her mother asked. She figured that her mother wanted a private moment alone just as she'd had and she couldn't deny her that. But as she set out the cutlery, she couldn't help the nagging desire to open the present Mona had gotten for her. It wasn't quite Christmas, not for a few more weeks, but Hanna couldn't wait another moment.

She withdrew the box and placed it on the table. Carefully she began to unwrap it, not wanting to tear the paper or especially, the name tag. Hanna folded the paper and put it down before she opened the tiny white box.

She immediately recognized it. This was a golden locket that Mona had stolen several years ago from a department store. Only now it had Hanna's initials, **H.M.** , engraved on the front. Her breath caught in her throat as her fingers brushed the cool exterior. She picked it up, inspecting it closely. As she held the locket in her hands, Hanna was transported to the day Mona had taken it...

\--

_Mona was at the jewelry counter, playing their usual charade. She had told the employee she was interested in buying a necklace for her sister and she was poring through every single piece of jewelry, claiming that she couldn't decide. There were necklaces, bracelets and earrings strewn across the counter._

_Hanna stood a good fifteen feet away, her eyes on her friend. Mona, wearing the locket, pretended to spot her suddenly, acting as if she hadn't seen her in years._

_"Let me catch up with my friend and I'll be right back," Mona said in a sickly sweet tone while the employee was bending down to take out a diamond tennis bracelet._

_She strode confidently over to Hanna, smirking as she started to engage in idle chatter with her. The two of them linked arms and held back their laughter as they walked to another section of the_ _store. All the while they neared the exit. Hanna felt the familiar adrenaline rush she always got when she and Mona did this. The tube of lipstick she'd dropped into her bra was on her mind as they walked together._

_"It's beautiful, huh?" Mona asked her once they were outside._

_Hanna reached her hand forward to touch the necklace that hung around Mona's neck. She noticed the small key hanging beside of the locket._

_"It is. It's a real locket, like with a key..that's so cool," Hanna commented._

_"I know, right? You could, like, stash secret messages to your lover inside."_

_\--_

She blinked as she came back to reality. Hanna had been awoken from her trip down memory lane by the sound of the chairs moving.

"It's beautiful." Ashley told her kindly as she put the dishes of food out on the table.

Leona smiled and took a seat. "Mona always had wonderful taste."

"Thank you--um, for giving me this." Hanna stammered. She still held it in her hand, gripping it tightly in her fist now. "I'm gonna go pee." She announced gracefully. She got up suddenly and left the table, going straight to the bathroom.

She didn't really have to go, but she needed a moment with this locket. She took a nervous breath as she placed the necklace on the counter. It was then she realized that the key wasn't hanging there.

Suddenly Hanna's chest tightened. She started breathing a little harder, faster. She needed to get this locket open -- now. She knew there had to be a reason Mona was planning to give it to her. There had to be something inside. She tried to pry it open with her fingernails to no avail.

In a moment of exasperation, Hanna took out her phone and called Spencer. Her friend answered within two rings, probably surprised to be hearing from her. After all, she'd never returned any of their calls.

"Hanna, how are you--"

"How do you pick a lock?" Hanna interrupted, her tone serious.

"Hello to you too," Spencer responded in confusion. "Are you breaking and entering _without_ me?"

Hanna let out a sigh of annoyance.

"It's nothing like that, I'm trying to open a locket except I don't have the key. How do I get it open without the key?" She asked frantically.

"Do you have a bobby pin?" Spencer suggested.

"Only like a zillion. Hold on," Hanna sat the phone down on the counter and rifled through her things. She triumphantly pulled out a bobby pin and picked the phone back up. "Found one, now what?"

As Spencer explained the technique to her, Hanna balanced her phone on her shoulder.

"Caleb told me he hadn't talked to you since Saturday..." Spencer was saying as Hanna concentrated on the task at hand. "I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now, Han, but it might be good for you to talk about it with someone. The girls haven't heard from you either...if your mother hadn't been keeping us updated, we probably would've shown up at your house already."

Hanna appreciated the concern, but she just didn't feel ready to face anyone. It was just too much.

"I will talk about it, Spence, I'm just not ready, okay? Hold on a second." It took her another couple minutes but she was finally able to unlock the stubborn locket. "Yes!" She exclaimed excitedly, opening it. She pulled a tiny slip of paper from inside. Hanna was right, there was a message hidden in the locket just as she'd thought.

She dropped the phone when she saw the words written there.

"Hanna? Hello? Did it work? Hanna? Are you okay? What locket are you opening, anyway? Hanna?!" Spencer yelled uselessly from the iPhone lying face down on the tile.

Hanna opened her eyes, taking a shaky breath. She looked at the message again in disbelief.

_I never stopped loving you. -MV_

She flipped the paper over, expecting the other side to be blank. But written in tiny letters was a website with a username and password. The password was her name. She didn't recognize the site. She bent down to pick up her phone so she could look it up. When she placed the phone to her ear, Spencer was silent.

"Spencer?"

"Hanna! Did you--"

"I have to go. I'll talk to you later."

Without another word Hanna ended the call. She clicked on the Safari app before hearing a knock at the bathroom door.

"Honey? Is everything alright in there?" Her mother's voice came from the other side of the door.

"Oh. Yeah, mom. I just...have diarrhea." Hanna responded, not really knowing what other excuse to give.

There was a moment of hesitation, as if her mother was trying to figure out if she believed her or not.

"Okay, do you want me to get you some medicine?" Her voice finally called out.

"Yeah, sure. I'll be out in a few minutes."

Hanna hoped that was enough to pacify her mother. She sat down on the toilet just in case she decided to pop in and check on her. She typed in the website. As it loaded she saw that it was a video storage site. Her interest was piqued. She typed in the login information and it allowed her access. There were a lot of videos here--each represented by a still frame of Mona's face. Each video was numbered. There were nineteen in all.

She couldn't do this right now. Her mother and Mona's were both waiting in the dining room for her. Hanna couldn't hole herself up the bathroom long enough to watch these videos, so she would just have to wait. With a sigh she pushed the lock button at the top of her phone and got up from the toilet. Hanna flushed and washed her hands, staring at her reflection in the mirror.

What had Mona's message meant? All she could think of was that day she'd been trying to convince Mona to give her the chip from Wilden's cop car. Mona knew she was just playing her for it and she called her out on it.

Hanna could still hear her words as if it had just happened moments ago.

_"I really loved you once, and I really was your friend."_

_**Past**_ tense.

So much had changed since that moment. Hanna thought she and Mona had been on the path to becoming close friends again. She had been starting to really trust her again...before she was ripped away.

This was Mona's way of expressing that she'd never stopped loving her. That what she'd said that day was a lie born out of hurt feelings. Hanna never stopped to think about the deeper meaning of the message. It never would have crossed her mind.

Once back at the dinner table, Hanna tried her best to act normal. Her mind was still on the locket and the message that lay within. But she engaged in conversation, cleared her plate and came with Mona's mother out to the car. She'd given Leona a smile and a hug as she carried the box inside. It was heavy, as if it held the weight of all of Mona's dreams. Hanna felt almost crushed beneath them.

As she made her way upstairs, the box held against her hip, her heart sped up. She was finally going to get to watch the videos she'd been spending the last hour and a half obsessing over. Hanna carefully placed the box in the corner, opting to go through it later.

She grabbed her laptop and got settled in. She eagerly watched the first video, but once she had, she was in disbelief of what she'd heard. Hanna, wrapped in blankets, stared at her laptop screen. The light from it lit up her entire bedroom which was otherwise dark. Her eyebrows were knit together in confusion. She hit play on the first video again.

Mona's face came onto her screen. Hanna's bottom lip trembled.

"Hanna."

Mona was looking directly at her. She knew that it was just the camera she was looking at but in that moment she really felt as if Mona was speaking to her right then and there. She got goosebumps.

"I kind of got this idea from that website Maya made. You know the one, full of videos she made about Emily?" She rambled. "So here I am, making my own kind of tribute. Remember that story I told you, about the day I decided I wanted to be your friend? The trampoline story."

Hanna remembered. Mona had been visiting her in the hospital after she'd broken her leg. She hadn't known at the time that Mona had been the person who had ran her over. Looking back on it, Mona had been extremely sweet that day. She'd done Hanna's makeup and she told that story.

As Mona had recalled, the two of them were at a party in the summer. Hanna had been goofing around on the trampoline with some other kids from their school. For some stupid reason, she'd thought that attempting a back flip was a good idea. But she'd had a little bit to drink and when she flipped, her stomach flipped with her. Hanna ended up puking all over the place.

Mona looked back to that moment with awe. Hanna could see it that day in the hospital and she'd been confused as to why Mona was so inspired by that moment, when she rose up from the trampoline, wiped her mouth and bowed. It hadn't been an important moment to Hanna. If it hadn't been extremely embarrassing she probably wouldn't have even remembered it. But for Mona it was a defining moment.

"Well, it's true that I was in awe of you then. But I wasn't exactly telling you the whole truth..." Hanna watched as Mona took a deep breath. Her friend looked nervous. "That wasn't just the moment I decided I wanted to be your friend."

Hanna held her breath. She'd already watched the video, but she expected this next part to be different. She had to have misheard it before. There was no way that Mona had really said what she thought she'd heard her say. But as the moment approached, she found that she hadn't been wrong.

Mona's voice was soft and loving as she spoke the words, "It was the moment I fell in love with you."

Hanna hadn't misheard. _Not at all._


	2. Chapter 2

As she often had been in life, Hanna found herself at a crossroads. She could either watch the rest of Mona’s videos or close her computer now and pretend she’d never seen the first one. It was going to be a bittersweet experience listening to Mona talk knowing that she would never be able to respond back. It was frustrating to know that her best friend had spent years pining over her, while she had no idea. Hanna wasn’t certain how she felt or how she would have reacted had Mona survived to hear her response.

Hanna’s mind kept drifting back to Emily, the only person who might understand what she was feeling right now. Emily had lost Maya just as she lost Mona, even if the situations were a little different. And just like Hanna, Emily had been confronted with the reality of watching Maya’s videos. In the end Emily had chosen to watch them all. Maybe they had been a comfort to her. Maybe Mona’s videos would help her move on, too.

Her eyes trained on the laptop screen, she saw her own reflection in the glass. Her face was right beside of Mona’s, as the video was still open on her computer. Hanna’s fingers reached forward, touching the screen.

It hurt. _Oh, god, it hurt._ Knowing she was never going to hug Mona again, make stupid jokes with her or share her deepest fears and biggest secrets. After hearing that the other girl had been in love with her, everything seemed to change. Hanna couldn’t help but go over their past interactions, noticing things she hadn’t noticed, or gave much thought to, before about how Mona had acted around her.

More than anything, she wished she was here in front of her. Hanna wished she could’ve saved her. Why couldn’t she have shown up at that house minutes before or even after Mona’s murderer arrived? She probably could’ve scared them off at the very least.

Hanna shivered at the thought, pulling the covers up over her head for a moment. She let out a sigh before dropping them again and groping through the blankets for her iPhone. Once she found it, she called Emily, who took no time answering.

“Hanna?” Emily sounded concerned. It was a given that Spencer had told Emily about their earlier interaction. Hanna hadn’t bothered to return Spencer’s texts after because she’d been so focused on this and so lost in the new reality that came crashing down onto her.

“Hi, Em.” Hanna said carefully, noticing that her own voice sounded hoarse from all the crying she’d been doing.

“I would ask how you’re doing but...”

“Yeah.”

“Everyone’s really worried about you. _I’m_ really worried about you.” her friend stated.

Hanna sighed. She appreciated everyone’s concern but hearing over and over how worried everyone was just served to make her feel more guilty. It wasn’t as if she could snap out of this and be okay, but she wanted to, simply for the sake of everyone else and their damn worries.

“I know. I don’t know how long it’s going to be before I start to feel okay again.” Hanna admitted as she chewed on her bottom lip. “How long did it take you with Maya?”

“Six months, maybe? I guess that’s when it really started to set in that she wasn’t going to come waltzing back into my life. I get that after Alison it’s hard to believe anyone’s really gone, but...”

“Mona’s not coming back.” It wasn’t the first time the thought brought tears to her eyes and she was certain it wasn’t going to be the last.

“I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do? I can bring you some coffee from the Brew? Or some cheese puffs? Anything you want.” Emily just wanted to help. It was in her nature.

“Emily, it’s 11 p.m. I’m not going to be drinking coffee right now.” Hanna didn’t mean to sound so harsh. “I’m sorry, I’m just...I called you to talk about something I just found out, about Mona. I don’t know what to do or how I feel and it’s just really overwhelming.” 

Emily was quiet for a moment. “What did you find out?” 

Shifting in her bed, the blonde lay down on the mattress with yet another sigh. It seemed like sighing and crying was all she was good for lately. She tried to figure out how to explain this to Emily without it coming out as a jumbled mess.

“Mona loved me. Like, in _a gay way_ \--she was in love with me. She made all these videos...I guess she wanted me to see them. But now she’s not here and I don’t know what to do. I just watched the first one like a million times and I can’t get rid of these knots in my stomach. I’m kind of scared to watch the rest of them.”

“Okay. Wow. I mean, I can’t say that’s completely surprising. How many are there?”

“Nineteen total.” 

“And why are you scared to watch them?”

Hanna sat in silence for a long time. She blinked back tears.

“Once I’ve watched them, I’ve seen all of Mona I’m ever going to see. She’ll really be gone.” 

“Oh, Hanna.” Emily’s voice was gentle and even though she was all the way across town in her own house, Hanna could almost feel her arms around her just in the way she spoke. “I understand that completely. But if Mona really wanted you to see them, I think that maybe you owe it to her to watch them. Even if it’s hard. All the most important things in life are hard.” 

“I feel like I’m being choked by guilt. I feel guilty because I couldn’t save her, guilty because I didn’t know how she felt, guilty that everyone’s worried sick about me, that I’ve pushed everyone away...I’m just so fucking sad, Emily, I can’t shake this...” That was the moment Hanna dissolved into tears completely. 

“Han?” Emily broke through the sobs. “Do you want me to come over?”

“Yeah, yeah, I do.” 

It had taken a week before Hanna was finally able to admit she needed someone. It had taken her a week to realize that closing herself off wasn’t going to help. She needed to talk about this. With everything she’d just discovered, she believed that Emily was the best person to do this. Even if it was eleven o’clock at night, she could always count on Emily Fields to be there for her. Hanna didn’t know what she’d done to deserve such great friends in her life. 

“Alright. I’ll be there in five.” 

“Thank you. I love you, Em.” 

“I love you, too, Han. See you soon.” 

She dropped her phone back on the blanket, her hand trembling. Hanna slowly climbed out of the bed and made her way to her mother’s room so she could tell her that Emily was coming over. When she walked into the door frame she noticed that her mother was looking through a photo album. “Mom?” 

Ashley Marin glanced up. She wiped a stray tear from her cheek, caught up in a moment of sadness and fear. “Is everything alright, honey?” 

“Um, I don’t know, is everything alright with you?” Hanna asked, approaching the bed and sitting on the side of it. Her mother reached for her hand and she let her take it. 

“I was just looking through photo albums. Pictures of you as a baby, pictures of you now. I don’t know how I’d survive if I lost you.” 

“You’re not going to lose me.” 

“You don’t know that. Leona Vanderwaal certainly didn’t think her daughter was going to be m-- _I’m sorry._ I just can’t imagine what that poor woman is going through.” The brunette woman sat up straighter in her bed, clasping her daughter’s hand lovingly. “I remember what it felt like being with you in the hospital after that car ran you down. I was so scared you weren’t going to wake up, and so relieved when you did.”

To this day, Hanna’s mother didn’t know it had been Mona behind the wheel of that car. She would never tell her the truth either, because there was no point now. It would only make her hate Mona, and what was the use of hating someone who wasn't there to be hated?

“Not that I’m not happy to see you, but what brings you to my room this time of night?”

“What? Oh.” Hanna had almost forgotten the reason she’d come in. “Emily’s coming over. Is that okay?”

Ashley nodded, smiling softly. “Emily is always welcome here, you know that. Especially now. I think it’ll be good for you, having her here.”

Letting go of her mother’s hand, she stood back up. Her stomach growled loudly. 

“Well she’s going to be here any minute so I’m going downstairs to get something to eat.”

“Of course. And Hanna, I have a few pictures of you and Mona. If you want them, they’re yours.” The older woman offered.

Hanna nodded, turning around so that her mother couldn’t read her facial expression. She could figure her out far easier than anyone else could. Without another word, the blonde sauntered down the stairs and veered into the kitchen. She poured out a bowl of cocoa puffs and sat down to eat.

As she ate she thought about Caleb and where he fit into all of this. Had he known that Mona had feelings for her? Is that part of why he hated her so much? Emily said she wasn’t that surprised--did everyone else know? Was Hanna just so self-centered that she couldn’t see that her best friend was crazy in love with her?

Had she known and Caleb not been in the picture, maybe, just maybe something could’ve happened between them. Hanna wasn’t one to stress about labels, even if she’d only dated guys thus far. She had only really been in two relationships anyway. Girls were never on the forefront of her mind but they were always an option. Now she would always wonder what dating Mona would have been like. She could see Mona as a romantic, she would’ve brought her flowers and taken her out for fancy dinners. They would’ve sipped wine in flawless dresses and danced until midnight under the stars. Yes, they could’ve been something beautiful. But Mona was gone and she would never know. Not ever.

She was torn from her thoughts when she heard the knock at the door. Hanna drank the rest of the milk at the bottom of the bowl and placed it into the sink before she went to the front door. The moment she opened it, she was surrounded by Emily, who gave her a tight hug. Hanna sank into the embrace, letting out a deep breath.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” she said once they let go of one another.

Emily gave her a genuine smile. “I’m glad you wanted me here.”

“So, I was thinking, would you maybe want to watch the rest of the videos with me?”

“I thought you didn’t want to.”

Hanna shrugged. “I changed my mind, I think.” She paused, meeting Emily’s darker eyes with her lighter ones. “Why did you say you weren’t surprised about Mona having feelings for me?”

The other girl fiddled with the zipper on her hoodie, no longer meeting Hanna’s gaze as she struggled to put into the words the answer to her question. Emily was trying to say the right thing, which was often hard to do.

“Well, it’s just the way she always acted around you. She was jealous of us and of Caleb. And didn’t she try to kiss you on the Halloween train? Plus…I mean, honestly, just the way she looked at you. Like you hung the moon or something. She looked at you like the way I used to look at Alison.”

“Did everyone see it? Everyone but me?” Hanna asked, tugging on one of her curls.

Emily put a hand on her friend’s shoulder. She squeezed it comfortingly.

“Most people are too focused on their own problems to notice things like that. The three of us knew. Well, Spencer figured it out before Aria and I did, and she made us swear not to say anything. Can I just ask, how do you feel? Knowing she was in love with you?”

“Does it matter? She’s not here anymore...” She leaned against the railing of the stairs. “All of this, the secret messages, the videos--I feel like I’m chasing a ghost.”

Nothing else needed to be said as both girls ascended the staircase and made a beeline for Hanna’s bedroom. The laptop still lay on the bed where the blonde had left it. Emily placed her bag on the floor. It was late and she was intending to stay overnight. She kicked off her shoes and joined Hanna on the bed, her eyes immediately going to the screen where Mona’s face was frozen in time. Hanna looked visibly shaken.

“Do you need a minute?” Emily questioned, not wanting her friend to rush into this if she wasn’t ready for it. But Hanna shook her head. She started the first video, which she’d already seen half a dozen times. She figured Emily might like to see it. When the video ended, Hanna turned on the next one, ignoring the way her heart started beating faster.

Once again, Mona came into view. She was wearing a different outfit this time. She looked far less happy than she had in the last video.

“I miss you.” The words came tumbling from Mona’s lips with great effort. Her eyebrows were knit together. She looked extremely pained. “I don’t...know what this is, why I’m making this. You’ll probably never see it. But I was released from Radley yesterday. I thought maybe things would be better because you visited me while I was there. But you don’t want anything to do with me anymore, do you?”  A broken cry could be heard and Hanna paused the video, placing her head in her hands. Seeing Mona in this much pain, realizing that she’d really felt this way, it was so much to handle.

Hanna regretted the way she’d treated Mona then. It had taken her a long time to warm up to the idea of them being friends again. For good reason. But Mona was different: she never really returned back to the person she’d known before. That was probably for the best. Emily’s arm encircled her and Hanna pulled away. She pushed the play button again and watched through her tears.

“My time at Radley gave me a lot of time to reflect on what I did to you. I wouldn’t blame you if you never forgave me. But god, I wish you would. I’m so selfish but I need you back. I don’t know who I am without you, Hanna. I’ve never loved anyone this much…” Mona was staring directly at the camera now and she felt like she was staring into her soul. “I know it was Caleb who put that brain in my locker. Oh, yeah, really funny. He hates me. I get it. I hate me, too. Do you think I wanted to come back to Rosewood High? I didn’t. I didn’t want to face you or your friends or any of those people, who knows what they said about me when I was gone. They said even worse things to my face. But my parents made me. Now I’m going to have to see you every single day. I’m going to watch you ignore me. I’m going to sit alone at my lunch table. I don’t want to be here. I hate this. I just miss how things used to be and it’s not fair...I’m the one who screwed it all up. It was me, me and my fucking crazy mind. I’m better now. I really am. But no one seems to believe me, least of all you. Maybe someday you’ll see this and you’ll understand. Everything I did was for you. Not everything I did made sense, that was the disorder talking, but I assure you, it was for you. Because I loved you. Because I still do. Because I always will.”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

_“Because I loved you. Because I still do. Because I always will.”_

The words echoed in Hanna’s mind over and over. She barely registered Emily’s chin on her shoulder or the way she smoothed her hair back. Instead she stared blankly at the computer screen. She was still getting used to the idea of Mona being in love with her and struggling to figure out what she felt about it. Did it even matter what she thought? It wasn’t like she could take Mona on a date now or give her the first kiss she’d apparently been wanting for so long.

“Hanna?” Emily’s voice rang out through her thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“Do you want to stop?” She asked, dropping her arm and instead patting Hanna’s knee comfortingly.

Hanna shook her head. “No,” she responded firmly, though her eyes were getting bleary and tired. “Just a few more.” She didn’t want to watch them all tonight. She wasn’t quite ready for them to be over.

With a breath she opened the next video. Mona was hunkered over on her bed, her legs hugged to her chest as she looked at the camera. She was quiet for a few moments before she began to speak.

“We almost died tonight. All of us, you, me, Emily...everyone. The fire, I thought we were going to burn alive. All I could think about was trying to save you. But I was so scared, I was paralyzed. And then I woke up when Alison was pulling me out. Why did she save me? I don’t understand why she didn’t leave me to burn.” She paused, hugging her legs closer. “For a moment I imagined what life would be like without you. You could have died that night, Hanna. I couldn’t live my life without you in it. Even though things aren’t like they used to be and even though I’m pretty sure you still hate me and you’ll never trust me again, the thought of being in this world without you in it is the worst thought I’ll ever have.”

Hanna could relate to Mona’s words so much that it startled her. She hadn’t ever imagined what life with Mona would have been like. She just assumed she’d always be there. But now she was gone and Hanna didn’t know what to do.

“I think I’ll love you until the day I die. And if there’s an afterlife, I’ll love you after.” Mona smiled, her eyes downcast. “I know it’s selfish but I hope I’m gone before you. I wouldn’t want to spend a moment on earth knowing you weren’t there.” She looked back up. “I don’t know what I’m doing. These videos, I guess they’re my way of letting all this out. I can pretend I’m talking to you and say all the things I want to say but I never have to really say them to you. There are so many things I’ve never said out loud. When your dad was getting remarried, I started fantasizing about what it would be like to marry you. I know, it’s ridiculous, but I planned out our whole wedding. I was absolutely sure that we would wear matching Kate Spade wedding dresses. We would walk down that aisle together like models, looking totally fabulous. There wouldn’t be a dry eye in that church, I think. I could never decide on our song.. No song can really capture how I feel about you.” She shrugged and rolled her eyes, letting out a laugh. “Okay, this is stupid.”

Mona got up and turned off the camera.

Emily gave Hanna a smile from her spot beside of her. The more she saw of Mona’s videos, the more sweet she thought they were. Mona may have been mentally unstable, but it was clear she loved Hanna a lot, even if she hadn’t always shown it very well.

“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” She nudged the blonde.

“Our wedding? Yeah. We look amazing,” Hanna chuckled. It really was a silly thought but she couldn’t help but imagine it after hearing Mona talk about it. “The cake would’ve been spectacular. Red velvet.”

Emily frowned. “If she was still here, what would you think about all this?” She was trying to figure out what Hanna was feeling about the situation.

The other girl shook her head. “It’s a lot to wrap my head around. I think I would’ve needed time before I could be around her. But honestly…? I would’ve wanted to know what it felt like. To kiss her. Just to see if I felt anything, I guess. And I know she must’ve really wanted that. I would’ve liked to give it to her.”

“What about Caleb?”

“I mean, I don’t know, it’s not like I would’ve just dumped him for her. But had we broken up naturally or whatever, I could have done it. I could’ve gone out with her and seen where it would go.”

Wordlessly Emily pulled her arms around Hanna. She hugged her and the blonde leaned into her, focusing on her own breath as she fiddled with a piece of the other girl’s hair.

“I’m sorry,” Emily’s voice was soft.

“Don’t be. I’m so sick of everyone feeling sorry for me.” Hanna admitted as she finally pulled away.

Determinedly she popped up the next video. She was going to watch as many as she could stand to watch, but it seemed like each video made it harder to continue. Hanna could only imagine how emotional the last video was going to make her.

When she hit play, she immediately recognized Mona’s outfit. She knew exactly what night Mona had made this video. It was the night they’d spent hanging out together. The night Mona told her that she loved her once. Hanna could practically feel the chip from the cop car burning into her hand from the memory. Why couldn’t she have just trusted her? Hanna had fucked up so many things but she really thought she was doing the right thing at the time.

“I almost fooled myself into thinking things could go back to the way they used to be,” Mona spoke bitterly. “For a moment I really thought we could be friends again. But you were just pretending. I don’t blame you. You could hate me forever and it still wouldn’t be long enough. I just wish there was some way that I could prove myself to you. I gave you the stupid chip hoping that would fix things. I don’t know if it even matters to you. If you knew what I was thinking, how I really feel, maybe--”

“I would understand,” Hanna said simultaneously with Mona, who said “maybe you would understand.”

She shook her head in disbelief at how she’d managed to do that. Hanna focused her eyes back on the screen.

“I said all these things just to get a reaction out of you. I guess it worked. But you just need to know, there wasn’t ever a time I didn’t love you. I was just trying to get under your skin. I was hurt that you didn’t trust me. But I don’t blame you. I know I’ve said it so many times, but it’s true. Anyway, um...I’ve got a few of these videos now. I’m wondering what would happen if I gave them to you to watch. Maybe in a year or something. Right before we graduate so if you freak out you never have to talk to me again. I don’t know.”

Mona approached the camera.

“I’m sorry. For _everything._ I hope one day, through some miracle, maybe you’ll be able to forgive me. There’s nothing I want more.”

She gave the camera a hesitant smile before turning it back off again.

As with the other videos, Hanna needed a few minutes to think about everything she’d just heard. Emily remained quiet beside of her, trying to be supportive without suffocating her. The blonde reached for her friend’s hand wordlessly. A moment later she turned to look at the swimmer with a grim smile.

“I think I can handle one more tonight. You’re...staying, right?”

Hanna didn’t want Emily to leave. Having her here felt more comforting than being alone. Emily’s presence felt like home--they’d spent so much time living together in the past few years that it never seemed out of the ordinary. She found herself missing when Emily was living with her, even if they sometimes drove each other crazy. The truth was, Emily was the closest thing she would ever have to a sister. Much closer than Kate would ever be.

“Only if you want me to.” Emily said carefully.

“I do.” Hanna dropped Emily’s hand in favor of the trackpad on her laptop.

As she queued up the last video for the evening she glanced at the clock. It was nearly 1 AM. No wonder she was exhausted.

The cursor hovered over the play button for quite some time. Then in a rush of energy Hanna pushed it.

It was dark, as if Mona was filming the video with her phone in a room with all the lights off. Her face was close to the camera. Hanna looked at her for a moment, remembering just how beautiful Mona had been. She always had been, even when she had been bullied by Alison--but she had really come into herself in recent years. Those chocolate brown eyes, that sweet smile...these were things that Hanna missed desperately.

As she stared at Mona’s face in close up, her eyes flicked to the little freckle on her nose. It was horribly cute, but she remembered Mona being so insecure about it. She had insisted on covering it up with concealer for almost an entire year until Hanna had convinced her that it was an added factor to her beauty, not something that took away from it. Had Mona been here right now, Hanna could’ve kissed that little freckle. She could’ve put her arms around her and she would’ve never let go.

“I can’t believe it. It’s been weeks since it happened but I keep replaying that moment over and over in my mind. The Halloween train. I didn’t say it before on video but I can’t stop thinking about it. I snuck out to see you and I did. You looked so beautiful that night I couldn’t help myself. As Caleb I was free to act on all the impulses I’ve had for so long. I couldn’t keep my hands off of you. If I’d just waited, I could’ve had the kiss I’ve been dreaming about for so long…” Mona sighed. “I think it’ll never happen. When we went to Noel’s parties I used to wish for the bottle to land on you. I wanted someone to dare you to kiss me. But it never happened and I was too scared to ever try it. Now here I am years later, still wishing. I bet your lips are so soft. You take really good care of them. They’re pink and pretty and they probably taste like cotton candy…” She trailed off.

Mona pulled the camera back a little bit and more of her was revealed. She looked naked, but she was wrapped in a blanket. She smiled flirtatiously.

“Now’s your chance, Hanna. If you’re watching this and you’re thinking, damn, I missed my chance to kiss her, I want you to go find me right now and lay one on me. I promise it’ll be the best kiss you’ve ever had.”

The video went black.

 

 


End file.
